Windlass Pirate Cutlass Review

This Pirate Cutlass review is one of my favourite sword reviews of all time...

Written in an authentic 'pirate speak' style, and covering all the bases, I think you'll find it both informative and very entertaining, despite the sword itself being discontinued. But it's not just the sword and the pirate speak that makes it fun, it's the fact that Capt'n Betts doesn't care about making land lubbers walk the plank, he chops it up into pieces!

So without any further ado - Avast!

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Windlass Pirate Cutlass

Review by Capt'n Robert Betts, the High Seas, ARGHHH

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Avast mateys, this be a review o' me Windlass Pirate Cutlass. Me name be Robert Betts, and I call Valley, AL me home port, but ye can call me Capt'n... arrr (That be put thar to satisfy them standin' oarders put farth by Adm'ral Southren).

This cutlass has been me trusty mate for many a sail now. And I must say, quite accustomed to her I've become.

The sight o'her's sent many a merchant sail'r pissin' 'is drawrs, which be a good thing. Less tru'ble that way, all 'round. Sad tr'th be told, she's ne'vr been sheathed in ought but her scabb'd. Time and past for that to be rect'fied.

I first set eyes or' this piece many a year ago in one of them catylogs from an merchant house name o' Museeum replicas. I took a like to her rite off, but lacked the swag to make 'er mine. I figured liken to many from that 'ouse, she’d be 'ere today and gone tom'rrw, but t' fine lady she be, stand'n the test o’ time.

This be stole from that catylog:

"225! An' they call ME a PIRATE!" (ju's twixt you 'n me aye gots mine at a hunderd and fortyfive from a man name o' Kitchener at that pirate haven Ebay. He be a mite more 'spensive now, but nary much.)

Mine be a bit dif'rent from what she be listed in that paper advertizm'nt: A bit narr'er about the waist, bit more in the bask't (Rubinesque, me thinks)

• O' rall lenth: 28 15/16's" (that’s in the King’s Anglish, ye swabs- none o' that metricisms)
• Len'th o' the business end: 22 1/2"
• Leaven' 6 and 7/16's to the thumpin' end
• Breadth: 1 3/4" at th' rudder, widening to 1 7/8s" amidships 'fore tapering to the prow.
• Thickness (like ol' sully's head there) 3/16's
• Tonnage: 2lbs 14 oz.
• Balance be 'bout a handspan out - and that be 'bout 4", says I. She be a bit feisty, but her sweet spot lie thereabouts to 14 and a halve.

I attest to this, she be well-made an' solid-nery a weld mark to marr 'er beuty to be found. O'carse, bein good steel, she be needin' polishin' a fair bit to keep th' rust off 'er, thar' bask't most all.

The scabb'd be good serv'cbl leather, black in color with good steel tips.

Now some mite say she be a bit on t' shart side, but I tends to like me gals pertite. An'ye must be remmembrin' she be made for abard ship- whar them longer blades be a bit diasadvantageous dontcha know?

Hav'n no scores th't needed a setlin', t'was wood that stood to for me testin'. Now this twas done 'gainst t'edge she had the day I got me hands on 'er, me seein' no need to asharpen 'er for a wee bit o' pine.

Like most ladys, she be a bit tempermental. Sh'll tol'rate a lot, but get too far from'er sweet spot an' she'll screech like a stiffed tavern wench about it - An by that I means puttin' a mean quiver up yer swardarm- least ways on the targ't I tried 'er on. 'Gainst softer she may be a mite more forgivin'.

As I says, I test'd 'er on a good solid targ't an' she held true... an' be still as loverly as she was t'day I put eyes on 'er. If ye fin' one like'r She be a good an' faithful companion fer yar voyages I says..

SUMMARY

• I liken' 'er to me brig—fast and deadly.

• Historc'al accuracy: Arrrrgh, I be us'n 'er aints I?

• Fit n' finish: She gleems like a fly'n fish

• Handles like a porpoise: (a wee bit excitable)

• Solid as the rock o' Gibralter

• 'pendin' on where ye get her, a gem o' a deal

All said an' done:

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I hope this review of the Windlass Pirate Cutlass was informative and enjoyable. To return to Slicers, Scimitars and Choppers from Windlass Pirate Cutlass Review, click here